It’s that time of year when joy is amongst many and Christmas movies are on at least one channel on the television, for all to see.

For some of us, this is also the time of year that we are reminded that some special people are not here to share the joy with us.  It’s the time of year that brings another number.  For me, I associate each celebration with a figure.  A figure of how many years, months, weeks or days, it has been since we last shared time this with those that we have lost.

I have a calendar full of anniversaries and with those anniversaries, pour many memories, both good and bad.

‘tis the Season…

I have always adored Christmas and love nothing more than making it a magical experience for all that are close to me.

When I lost my Dad, during the Christmas break, I thought that I would lose my love for Christmas with him.  So much so, that we booked to spend the following Christmas overseas, so I would not be faced with any memories of the events from the year before.

Truth is, those memories came with me, they are with me always.  But I still felt the Christmas magic and I still adored seeing my babies smiling on Christmas morning.  Yes, I had some alone time and lots of reflection, but that, I think, is healthy.

This was when I realised that you cannot run from grief, it is with you always.  You can smile again, I know I have, you can even be happy.  But there will always be that deep sadness of knowing that there is someone missing from those smiles and from that laughter.

Christmas Carol

The Dicken’s classic has always been a favourite of mine, but it wasn’t until recently, that I made my own personal link to the concept of ghosts of past, present and future.

I feel that as well as there being the different stages of grief, which many talk about.  There are also different forms of grief.  Grief of past, present and future.

Past

Losing my Dad was like losing my past.  Each time I remember Dad, my memories take me back to when I was a child and when I was living with Dad.  Less so, to the memories we have made more recently.  I will pause, when I hear a childhood song, as I will think of my dear Dad.  I look at old pictures often, even though I have many across the years right up to the last days we had together.  I am drawn to the past with my Dad.

Present

Earlier this year, we lost our family dog at 10 years old.  This was a different type of grief.  As a family, this hit us hard.  Our home felt different, our daily habits changed; no dog walks, no constant cleaning and more.  This made our lives as we knew them, out of sync.  I feel that this grief, was more about us grieving the now, this was grief of the present.

Future

Before I fell pregnant with my son, Diego (now 7), I sadly lost a baby.  On the day of my scan, when I was excited to see my second baby for the first time, I was left devastated when I was told that my baby had no heartbeat.  I knew that miscarriage was common and such, we told no friends or family that we were expecting.  But in hindsight, you find that you will probably tell those closest to you after the loss in any case, as you may need them there to support you.

The loss of a baby is so much harder than I had imagined.  I felt sad, I felt angry and I felt guilty…just like with the loss of any other loved one, but I’d placed a lot of blame onto myself.  I was the person that my baby needed to keep it safe and I had done something wrong…or so I thought.

I felt so robbed.  Robbed of the future that my husband and I were now planning.  I felt that my baby daughter had been robbed of being a big sister and having a play mate.  I was grieving for our future, the life that did not yet exist except for in our dreams.

Good Grief

So, there you have it, my theory of grief for past, present and future.

Grief affects us all so differently.  I am amazed at how well some people appear to be coping, but we have no idea how they are feeling inside.

While I am mostly smiling, I find it hard at times, unbearable even.  But I would never choose to lose these feelings, because each time I remember, I relive so many beautiful memories, which bring me closer, even just for a moment, to those that I have loved and lost.

Take Care x