It is said that there are two types of people in the world, those who make you feel good (radiators) and those that take away your positive energy (drains).

We all know these people and, believe it or not, we are all one (or both) of these.

In business, a good leader will display radiator behaviours, to motivate, develop and encourage their teams to succeed. There is a saying, ‘people do not leave their jobs, but they leave their managers’, in this case, their managers are likely to be drains. Not supportive, concerned about their own success and not committed to their teams.

Radiator Behaviour

A person displaying radiator behaviour, is warm, radiates positivity and naturally motives others. They can be enthusiastic about life and often quite complimentary.

My hairdresser is a natural radiator. He has a way of making me feel good, even at the worst of times. Each time I visit, he will compliment me. It could be my choice of outfit, a picture that I have shared on social media, or even my hair! You can tell that the compliments are genuine.

At a time when I was at my lowest, after losing Dad, I did not care about myself, for a while. When I finally plucked up the courage, I booked an appointment with Matt.

I didn’t need to tell Matt anything that had been happening and he did not need to know. He used his incredible nature to pull me into an hour of hidden happiness. I was smiling. I’m not saying that I hadn’t smiled or laughed since Dad had passed, I had. But I had done so, consciously. This unconscious happiness gave me a boost, that Matt will never know he gave me. This happened to be the start of my recovery.

Drain Behaviour

Drain behaviour is much different. We all know that person who will always have a blacker cat than everyone else and that is most comfortable when talking about themselves, right? You begin to tell a story and they will talk over you with their own version that includes themselves. They make you feel unimportant and show no signs of interest in your lives. This is typical drain behaviour. You will often leave a conversation with a drain, feeling de-motivated and sucked dry of energy.

Which Are You?

The truth is, that at times, most people will display both behaviours. The intent behind it may be different, but the energy is the same. Because even the most positive people, will have a view or opinion on a matter that will differ to others and even the sunniest personalities have a bad day.

In the same respect, there are times when a drain will surprise everyone and be thoughtful. The receiver will likely question their motives, but it does happen.

As a whole, if you are self-aware, you should be able to recognise which traits you display the most. You may even wish to develop these, if you think you need to.

Personally, I would describe myself as a radiator. I am committed to the happiness of others. My discretionary effort to support and please others, is unlike many I know. But over the years, I have come to realise that some of my actions, may be quite drain like.

For some people, the way that I respond to situations, can be difficult for them. I am the outspoken person that will always be honest. I’m practical and realistic. If I am not comfortable with a situation, I will say. If I believe that someone is being unfair or unjustified, I will let them know. If I feel that someone has a dream, without a plan, I try to encourage them to plan their steps so they can get there. But some people see this as a challenge, I get that.

Quite often, people lean on me to speak on their behalf, as they are not brave enough to and I know that this has made me look negative unnecessarily in the past.

For me, I try to keep my relationships positive, so I have chosen to take feedback and develop. I now know better how to articulate myself and adapt my approach to suit different people. But I have only been able to do this, by learning from my mistakes in the past.

I’m very fortunate that I have a strong social circle of like-minded friends.

Do We Stay Away from Drains?

Ideally, we would try to avoid people displaying drain behaviour, but this is not always so easy.

I recently had a family situation that opened my eyes, in two ways. I realised that I was being a drain to my extended family, by asking for justification for some of their actions towards me and by admitting (after being asked) that I felt frustrated with some of their life decisions. I also realised that they were draining me, too, and have been for years.

Of course I love my family and I want them to be part of my life. But I had to accept that for us to have a positive relationship, I needed to step back. This was hard for them to understand and hard for me to do, especially with the timing (Christmas season and my Dad’s anniversary of passing). But now, 6 months on, I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Today, we are still in touch and I have still visited, albeit, less than I had planned due to COVID-19. I’m still here for them when they have needed me. I do not instigate all of the calls and texts as I used to, but I still engage. I do feel sad that I am not in their clique, but as a good friend recently pointed out, I never really have been.

We can’t always avoid drains, but we can manage the relationship differently to support our own journey.